February 7, 2017 Laura 38Comment

On the Monday he had texted me crying, I dropped everything and ran to him. A month prior he had told me he needed space because he didn’t know what he wanted. The whole drive there my body was shaking from the anxiety that filled it. I didn’t listen then, but that was my intuition telling me not to go, but instead I pushed on…six days later, I sat at home once again heart broken. 

It wasn’t that I was losing him that hurt the most, maybe it was the disappointment that I couldn’t save us, maybe it was the disappointment in myself that hurt the most. I loved him but I knew we weren’t the best fit. I mean I’m Sally Freaking Sunshine and he’s well Bah-Humbug. But it was the rejection that hurt so much. It was that he didn’t, or couldn’t, love me back the way I loved him. The truth was he drained me, but I stayed with him because I loved him. I loved every one of his broken pieces intensely and purely. I stayed even though I was exhausted, hoping that he would pull himself up eventually. I had looked at him differently than I had at any other man. When he was ugly, through my eyes I saw beauty underneath it all. When he cried, his eyes turned a vibrant blue shining the rawness of his emotions onto me and I fell deeper in love with him. He was telling me he was leaving because he was in love with another woman but I still couldn’t find anger towards him. All I could feel was hope for him still, hope that he would find his place and his peace. Sorrow and hope both filled my heart, it was an immense confusion of feelings inside of me. The agony of my loss, and the wish for his happiness. The darkness of rejection from him from the love I wasn’t getting back from him mixed with the relief from the burden and pressure from being under his thumb for so long. A sense of disappointment that he didn’t rise to meet my love but also freedom from the discomfort of the same trial. I had become lost in our relationship, in him. We  had been walking next to each other but on different paths for so long. 

He told me when we broke up that I had been too good to him. I didn’t understand that at the time. How could you be too good to someone you love? What I was learning though wasn’t that I was too good to him, it was that I wasn’t being good enough to myself when we were together. The love I just gave to him wasn’t enough. I wasn’t being fair. I believe that love can take us many wonderful places but I now know that love must also be fairly given. It isn’t enough to just love another person, I must match that same love to myself. I needed to love myself as much as I had loved him. I needed to feel the same deep hope for my life as I did for his. 

In this break-up I found truth within myself. In my vulnerability and in my sadness I learned a most valuable lesson, that I needed to love myself more. This was my opportunity to love myself fiercely, to love all my own broken pieces purely and fully and to put them where they were meant to be. In that dark moment of loss, I found my own shining light. I found myself again. 


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Brita Long is the pink and sparkly personality behind the Christian feminist lifestyle blog, Belle Brita. While her first love will always be Paris, she lives happily with her husband Daniel Fleck in the Atlanta area.

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Jessica Lynn is the driving force behind Jessica Lynn Writes, a site about life as a pregnant, new, and toddler mom (currently expecting baby #3), military musings as an Air Force wife, and all the joy, laughter, and hardships life brings along the way. On JLW you’ll find tales about her journey around America, as well as good eats, fun crafts, real-life stories, and more.

 

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Laura is a big dreamer, full time marketing manager, blogger, and part-time artist. She aspires to inspire people in their everyday lives and help them to live towards their dreams and making the most out of their lives. She has been blogging for about 6 years now, more recently finding her glorious niche’ of sharing her stories and thoughts of life and daily inspiration.


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38 thoughts on “A Story of Loss and Finding

  1. I had a break-up similar to that, and it took awhile before I realized the whole ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ line was actually true. It was me who wanted to find myself again. And it was me who couldn’t keep putting all of my energy into saving something/someone who wasn’t there. I’m happy you found yourself through all of that!

    1. Thank you Jess! It’s definitely still a healing process. This was a man I had been in love with for four years, I thought I was going to be spending the rest of my life with him, that love was meant to be patient and that we were going to make this work. What I found though was that even though I loved him thoroughly and truly I had become complacent, my needs and my desires weren’t being met in this relationship, I was failing myself. He blew me away when he left me for another woman, that was the last thing I had ever expected from him, but in hindsight that may have been the only way I could let him go as I think I may have needed to do. I will always love him but that doesn’t mean I need to be with him or that I want him anymore and that’s been a hard thing for me to swallow but I can feel and see the difference being free has had in my life and I am learning to put myself first and to stay faithful to that. It’s exhausting trying to hold onto a relationship like that. We were such different people.

  2. Breakups are hard. Disappointment, sadness, crying and maybe even throwing something across the room. As long as you found your true self in the end is all that matters.

  3. Breakups can be so tough because it’s hard not to sit there and replay everything over and over again. It’s good that you’re able to recognize your needs and make sure you’re being taken care of.

  4. What a beautifully written post. I married my first boyfriend, so I’ve never experienced the pain of a breakup. I’m glad that you’re learning to love yourself! It’s so so important. <3

    1. It’s definitely a process and takes some time to heal but I will say in hindsight there was always a great lesson and that I’m grateful for. I remind myself in any tough situation that I will make it through and I will come out stronger in the end.

  5. this is so beautiful and heartbreaking. Finding love in yourself is never easy and I hope you find more of it, it’s a beautiful thing.

    1. Thank you, you are very right. Self love is not easy but it is so necessary for us to really become the person we are meant to become. We must learn to forgive ourselves through the process also. It was a very hard time but I refused to give up. There is so much beauty and love in this world waiting to be discovered and I intend to unearth as much as I can during my life. <3

  6. I love that you were able to find yourself in a difficult time. It says a lot about your character. It shows that you are a bright, strong and loving person and the fact that you love yourself now only makes you stronger and shine brighter.

    1. Thank you. That is so kind and you to say that. I really believe that we can find a lesson in any situation and that every challenge we encounter makes us stronger. <3

  7. I completely related to this as I’m sure many women can. We think if we love someone enough it will compensate for the love they don’t feel in return, or somehow make them realize their love for us. It takes a strong person to realize the truth and an even stronger person to share their pain. Great post!

  8. Oh my goodness…so heartbreaking. Although I remember being in a similar situation with my first husband. I was completely and utterly in love…….or so I thought. It took years for me to discover that in fact I didn’t love him like I thought, it was just my used to him being there and around, his presence.

  9. I’m sorry about the breakup, but it sounds like a lot of good has eventually come from it. It’s amazing when we can realize that it’s so important to love ourselves. Hugs to you.

  10. I hope you’re feeling better beautiful, break ups are the worst. I totally know the raging shakes of anxiety, I’ve been there. I can still remember the worst break up I’ve ever been through that was now about 6 or 7 years ago. I remember the exact moments, the tears, the manic phone calls that were never returned. And it took me years to fully get over it. But it has taught me so much that in fact I’m grateful it happened. xxx

  11. Breakups are the worst. I have definitely been in this situation. I am thankful I found an amazing husband and we will be celebrating our 10 year anniversary this year.

  12. I believe with every loss, no matter what kind there can be a piece of yourself lost but also a larger piece found. It just takes some time looking around to find it.

  13. Every break up is difficult, but I think that when you are able to get a little space from the situation you can then appreciate the gains that you made in the relationship.

    1. Hi Lydia,

      Aww, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you sad! I wanted to express how we can find strength in even the darkest times and how challenging moments in our lives can help us evolve into better versions of ourselves <3 It definitely is a tough process and I will take time to heal but I know that wonderful things lay ahead of me and the emotions from break up are and have driven me to many positive and powerful things!

      <3 Laura

  14. Breaking up is something I could not imagine before until some unexpected changes happen when me and my boyfriend met again and he told me that there is no spark at all. He has no feelings for me. I felt very sad. And ask myself why. But then it made me stronger. He made me stronger by breaking my heart.

  15. I haven’t been through a break up in over a decade but I remember the pain that they caused me. This brought up all of those old feelings of hurt. I am so sorry!

  16. Sheesh your story sounds so familiar to me. Sounds like one of my hardest breakups and I promise my exboyfriend told me the same thing. You are right you werent too good for him, you just weren’t being good to yourself anymore and now I can agree I didn’t either. We give so much of ourselves when we love that we realize its too much and there is barely anything for yourself. I healed from that past relationship and thank God you did too!

  17. One of the most challenging things in life is moving on from someone you love. It practically feels like someone ripping your heart out and forcing you to breathe, but in the end, you’ll come out stronger than ever!

  18. I’m so sorry that your heart has gone through all this but I’m glad you’ve found out that you have to learn to love yourself. That’s such a tough leason.

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