This is one of those raw, emotional and disclosing posts…
I am in a tough spot right now in my life. This may come to a surprise to some and some know I’ve been hurting. This past year has been particularly hard on me. I’m left feeling burnt out and drained emotionally. So much has happened in this past year, both highs and lows, but leaving me feeling like a tornado has torn through my life setting all kinds of things out of order. I write about staying positive and pushing on and I hold those values high in my mind and in my heart but tonight I come to you to tell you that it’s okay to be in a rough spot in your life, it’s okay to not know what to do. I find that I am struggling to ask for what I need and I’m just trying to figure it out as I go along. I know the actions to take to move forward and I know things will get better and I truly believe that at the core of my heart, even when my doubts are circling in my head. Some days I’m feeling strong and am more hopeful than others and some days I feel like I’m just going through the motions. This is part of my journey, this is part of my discovery. I push on trying to believe that there is something better ahead and that all things have a purpose and a lesson. When I started writing this post I paused in fear. I paused because I worried that sharing this would destroy the image of who I am at my core. Fear. Fear is what holds us back from so many things. So I made the choice to not let fear hold me back tonight from sharing even the darkest part of me. There are many little parts that make us into who we are, don’t judge yourself on one. If we didn’t have struggles, then we couldn’t find strength. Pain is part of humanity, part of life.
My life has had many ups and downs this year and they have all caught up to me. We spend our entire lives trying to prepare for anything that could happen but in truth we’re never really prepared for everything that can come to us. When something new comes into our lives it can create all kinds of new feelings and emotions and thoughts and it can leave you feeling spiraled and overwhelmed, especially when it’s several new things all at once. For me I had several doors closing and many more opening at the same time. I found myself in a spot confused and some days I wasn’t sure if I needed to go forward or go backwards. I found myself filling with anxiety and the anxiety was winning, it was taking over. For months I kept telling myself it was just the chaos I was stuck in and that it would clear away when things calmed down, when hard times past but it held tight to me, to my heart and to my soul. I started feeling lost, not like myself anymore. I became overly self-critical taking my self-awareness to another level. The trait that I had always considered my strongest was becoming my nemesis. I found myself worrying about everything down to every second of the day. I told myself every night that it would pass and tomorrow would be better but instead I woke up in the morning completely drowned in feelings and tight knots in my chest. I found it hard to declare the feelings I was having but it came to a point where I wasn’t living my life anymore, not the way I wanted to, not as the person that I truly am. I was being masked by stress, by the anxiety. My pride had gotten in the way of getting the help I needed, of helping myself. I’d like to say that I was one of those people that just isolated herself but instead I started pushing people away and creating craziness where there was none before. I started doubting everything around me, including myself. The security I had spent so long building around me and within myself I was crumbling to pieces.
Recognizing this and admitting that I was falling to myself was my first step to recovery. The next step was to admit it to the people I love. This was the hardest for me. I was the friend, the daughter, the mother, that always stayed positive through everything and could find a smile in every day. I was the one that always saw the silver lining. I felt like a fraud. I felt like I was failing in my role. But I believe in honesty and I believe in no charades so as hard as it was I pushed myself to open up. What I found is that we’ve all felt pain, we’ve all needed help and they told me it was okay to hurt and they are telling me that it’s going to get better.
I may still be hurting but I am making the choice to get better, that I have control of. No matter what is ahead of me or who’s going to be there on the other side, I am making an absolute choice that I don’t have the choice to not get better and that is an example of my character. I am telling myself that I’m going to come out of this a better person and a stronger woman. I’m learning through all of this that it is okay to be vulnerable. It’s okay to be scared, it’s okay to hurt and you don’t have to be embarrassed for having a hard time. It’s okay to not have everything together all of the time.