Let’s face it, I’m better at being a loner. Not because I’m selfish but because I’m a giver, to a fault, sacrificing what I want or need so easily to please someone else. Not even telling them, just keeping it all in for fear of rocking a boat I don’t want to rock. I’m not used to chaos, always striven to keep peace and quiet around me as much as I can. I enjoy sitting alone curled up with my laptop or a book. I enjoy setting my bedtime just around me. I believe in happy ever afters but happy ever afters take real, hard work. They take putting yourself in a place of vulnerability which is not an easy feat for me even the slightest bit. Being a loner means I’m only responsible for my own feelings. Being a loner means not having to tell someone else what I need or desire. Being alone allows me the freedom to not have to balance my schedule or routines with anyone else’s. It means not having to say your “I” verbiage bothers me even though I know you probably mean nothing of it. It means not having to admit that I don’t like assuming you want me here, admitting that I want you to tell me you want want me here every day. Being a loner means I don’t have to admit to my insecurities and fears to anyone else.
But being a loner also means no waking up to your smiling face. It means no first sips of coffee in the morning with you. It means no three to four kisses every time you leave. It means not sitting down at the table for dinner with you and the kids. It takes away the laughter of the kids as they all play hide and seek. Being alone means no duo adventures or date nights. It means trading in what feels good for what has always been comfortable to me in the past. Being a loner means just as the word itself says, it means being alone.
Being in love takes courage. It takes courage to grow as my routines change, courage to be vulnerable, courage to be honest…courage to love and to allow myself to be loved.