Let’s face it, I’m better at being a loner. Not because I’m selfish but because I’m a giver, to a fault, sacrificing what I want or need so easily to please someone else. Not even telling them, just keeping it all in for fear of rocking a boat I don’t want to rock. I’m not used to chaos, always striven to keep peace and quiet around me as much as I can. I enjoy sitting alone curled up with my laptop or a book. I enjoy setting my bedtime just around me. I believe in happy ever afters but happy ever afters take real, hard work. They take putting yourself in a place of vulnerability which is not an easy feat for me even the slightest bit. Being a loner means I’m only responsible for my own feelings. Being a loner means not having to tell someone else what I need or desire. Being alone allows me the freedom to not have to balance my schedule or routines with anyone else’s. It means not having to say your “I” verbiage bothers me even though I know you probably mean nothing of it. It means not having to admit that I don’t like assuming you want me here, admitting that I want you to tell me you want want me here every day. Being a loner means I don’t have to admit to my insecurities and fears to anyone else.
But being a loner also means no waking up to your smiling face. It means no first sips of coffee in the morning with you. It means no three to four kisses every time you leave. It means not sitting down at the table for dinner with you and the kids. It takes away the laughter of the kids as they all play hide and seek. Being alone means no duo adventures or date nights. It means trading in what feels good for what has always been comfortable to me in the past. Being a loner means just as the word itself says, it means being alone.
Being in love takes courage. It takes courage to grow as my routines change, courage to be vulnerable, courage to be honest…courage to love and to allow myself to be loved.
Last night I stopped by a local brewery and grabbed a beer. It was a last minute decision after running to the store. This was a solo stop and I almost didn’t do it. I almost let fear and society stigma stop me from doing it. But I pushed myself, it was something I wanted to do and I was going to do it. I had to conquer the thoughts of if it was acceptable or not for me being a woman and being alone. I had to push out the face that there was the possibility I could feel lonely there among all the other people. I was totally the solo girl in the corner with her beer and fries (yeah I went all out and went for the fries), face tucked in my phone…but I was happy. I was happy being solo there watching everyone buzz around me. I’m coming along nicely in really starting to enjoy being single. It’s been awhile since I’ve truly been single…meaning I’m not even really thinking about finding a relationship right now. Sure I have some moments where I think it’d be nice to have a partner but it’s a different thought process. Heck, I can even give a you a little laundry list of why it’s better being single. I’ve always thought I had been pretty independent. I’ve always been able to handle things on my own but I’m not sure I even truly enjoyed doing things on my own before now. I truly enjoyed being alone last night. This isn’t saying I’m going to become one of those hard-knock girls that will never need a man (or will I? just kidding!) but it’s saying I am okay and I am happy on my own. I know my worth, I know what I want and I’m not willing to settle just to be in a couple. I’m okay waiting for the right one. Some of my friends are concerned I’m becoming disinterested…maybe I am a little but not out of defeat or negativity. I have other things going on, other things I’m really focused on right now and actively seeking out a relationship seems like an unnecessary distraction for me right now. Okay, there I may have sounded like that hard-knock, super independent gal but so what, it’s real. Being in a relationship is a distraction, not negative always, but still a distraction. It’s something else to tend to and when it’s right it’s totally worth it but right now I don’t have that in front of me and I’m trusting that the Universe (or I will) decide when it’s right to go after it again. I don’t want to go after dating because I’m bored, or I’m lonely, or because it’s what society implies I should do. I want to go after it because it’s what I truly want and what I feel is right for me in that moment of time. Right now, overall I’m happy being single. I’m good y’all.
There’s simple, trivial pleasures of being single and then there’s big perks that are pushing me to develop myself more and grow more as an individual.
I can focus on me and just me.
I don’t have to balance my time and schedule with someone else’s.
I don’t have to worry about cordials as much.
I don’t have to share the bed (except with my dog…she’s a bit of a bed hog lol).
I can spend more time working towards my goals and dreams.
I don’t have to shave my legs if I don’t feel like it.
I didn’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day.
I can work late and not have to worry about missing dinner.
I can ignore my phone for an evening.
I can focus on me and just me…this is a big one for me. I am naturally a caretaker so taking that task out of the scenario has forced me to put myself front and center and take care of myself more and not so much others.
I’m not saying I never want to be in a relationship again, because I do, I do dream of a happy and healthy relationship and I foresee that in my future. But right now I’m very “me” focused and I’m enjoying it. I’m rolling with it. I’m focusing on what’s in front of me and my goals. And the next time I am in a relationship, I’ll be a better me in it, a better part of the relationship.
I hope you go out there and find yourself. I hope you explore and experience the world with eyes wide open. Maybe I gave you too much, maybe I didn’t give you enough. Maybe I hurt you, maybe you hurt me, or maybe we hurt each other. Maybe we were too different or maybe we too much of the same. I hope you are learning to let go. I hope you have forgiven. I hope you have moved on. I am ready to forgive. I am ready to let go. I am ready to move on. I want to let go of the pain we had when we were together and when we left each other. I want to start a new relationship with someone else and leave ours behind. Not to be forgotten, but to leave the baggage and take only the lessons learned and the strength grown. I want to have fresh eyes and an open heart again. I want you to have the same. I want us to both be free.
I have thought these words many times yet there is still a deep part of me that holds on. This is a lesson of detachment I must learn, one of many lessons I am learning. I allowed my heart to harden from pain and disappointment from past relationships. Though I in many ways have moved on, there are still fragments that I cling to. I am ready to leave these behind. I am ready to start anew with someone new. When we allow those little fragments to stay within us we drag them everywhere we go and into new relationships. This can be weighing over time. I am sharing these words to set them free, to push them into the vast airs of the worlds. These words come from my heart. I do not wish ill to any of my lost relationships or friendships. I hope that we have all learned and grown from all of our experiences. I truly believe there is a lesson in everything but today I am choosing to take the lesson but leave the resent and the pain. Today I set myself free.