Today we’ll be going to another wedding expo. It’s very exciting to be planning and looking forward to marrying my best friend and soul mate. But it also resurfaces some things, like grief.
The grief that my Grandparents will not be there. The grief that they aren’t here to see me (finally) make the right choices in my life.
That part kind of sucks.
I remind myself.
I do believe in spirits and energy and higher powers. Maybe not specifically attached to an organized religion per se but I do believe. I believe that wherever my Grandparents are, they are high above happy, peaceful, and looking down at, over, us every now and then.
I believe that their memories and their love are still here and strong. I believe that I carry a piece of both of them with me always. And I reflect some of them back into the world.
The feelings I have around my grief have changed.
Over time, my grief has changed. I’m still sad sometimes that I can’t go see them and tell them all the amazing and exciting things happening in my life. Not in person, anyways.
If you ask my friends and family, they’ll tell you I’m not very religious. I don’t pray. I do meditate. That’s not 100% true. If prayer is speaking to them quietly and intimately, sending those words to where ever they are. Then I pray a lot to my grandparents.
I wrote this post a few years back, Dear Grandma. It included the letter I wrote to her shortly after she passed away.
Growing up I learned resilience and survival. I also learned about strength and hope and most of all faith.
They will still be there on my wedding day. Just in a different way.
That’s not the only grief I have.
I also have grief about my son. He’s alive very much so, but he really hasn’t been around. That’s been really hard on me. We used to have such a close relationship.
See, he’s a teenager now, a full-blown teenager at 15 years old. He’s working and has teenager stuff going on. And I’m like 5’1″ and can’t quite drag him out of the house and into the car on my own.
It’s kind of heartbreaking but I’m dealing.
Our plan was to have him a part of our wedding. I want him involved. Not just in the wedding but in my life. Have faith, have strength. Love unconditionally.
It seems many of our life events connect with grief in some way or another.
We think of the grief we have when we know someone important to us will be missing from our big life event.
In the vision of the celebration, we envision the person being missing.
It’s just something we have to learn to carry with us through it. To remember my grandparents we got a sweet sign to put up at our wedding about them being in heaven or they’d be here. For my son, I’m praying and holding onto my faith that he will come around.